Barely Breathing
by DeadPoet0712
Summary: Charlie reflects on picking up the pieces after Neil's death. He finally figures out a way to help Todd and acts on it. Rated T for romance, language and mentions of suicide. Oneshot.


Barely Breathing

Oneshot

Disclaimer: I do not own the Dead Poets Society. If I did, would I be writing this? If someone owns Knox and wants to send him over, go for it. (Especially if he has one of those big, obnoxious bows on his head. Yes, like the ones on the car commercials.)

**A/N: I woke up today and this idea literally came from nowhere and popped into my head. I didn't plan out anything like usual except I knew how it was going to end. I hope you enjoy it! I know I don't usually write in such a serious tone but I felt the need to shake things up. In this, pretend Charlie didn't get expelled. That's why this works. Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

A gentle breeze swept through the grounds of Welton Academy. As it went it stirred the new leaves on the trees and swept back Charlie's hair in its hurry. Spring had arrived and was in full bloom in the New England area once more. The bark of the tree that pressed against his back was comforting in a way. It was solid and sturdy. The kind of strength that meant it would not be going anywhere for a long time. The tree felt dependable in the difficult world he now lived in. It had been four months since he had last seen Neil. Four long, miserable months since the reality of what could happen so easily sank in. Life was delicate and he now knew that. Staying alive was not so simple as merely breathing. It was a test of wits and wills. A test of inner strength and the determination to fight for one's life. Each and every pledge of the Dead Poets Society was well aware of this fact because of him.

It was not fair. Neil had escaped his troubles and worry of his future with one pull of a trigger. Would he have gone through with it if he had known what mess he would leave behind? He hoped not. Neil had been the center of their group. Their sturdy leader upon which each boy revolved. They all had their friendships with each other. There was no doubting that. He had just been so _vibrant_. So full of life and that life had been taken away within an instant. Neil had been the reason for their victories during the last months of his life. The club he had reformed had brought out the best in each of them. Now that same boy had brought out the worst.

All of them had changed in some way. He really hoped it would not be forever. It really did not benefit any of them to be acting this way. Everyone grieved differently. The grieving period would soon be over and things would go back together. Things would be just as normal as they could be again he hoped. First there was the redheaded fink named Richard Cameron. Well, he liked calling him by his first name now. _Dick_ seemed to fit him much better. The others agreed. He was no longer a member of their group. He could never be considered a friend again. Sure, he had not been much of one to begin with although he had still been there. He was the outcast now. The one who if he came too close would most likely be injured in some bodily way. Cameron avoided them all like the plague. There were no more study sessions or meals to be shared with him. No ideas or help in classes were passed back and forth. It was simply as if he did not exist to the best of their abilities. Charlie had even moved out of that dorm he shared to avoid him and was now boarding with Todd. The shyest member of their group had slowly warmed up to the idea. It was better than being alone. It was better than having nothing to fill the empty void in his dorm. All in all, Cameron was the enemy and he was not to be fraternized with.

Steven Meeks was starting to slack off in class. He did all of his work still. The usual know-it-all remarks and helpful comments were lacking in surplus quantities. The only time he answered a question now was if he was called upon or forced to help one of the teenagers sitting around him. The quality of his papers and assignments had gone down. He was getting average marks now and had lost that air of being a genius. Charlie had never wanted to admit it but he would do anything to get him back to normal. His own grades were starting to really hurt and he could use the help. Most of all, he just wanted Meeks to be who he was before the worst. Every group needed someone like him. Things just were not the same without Meeks being Meeks-like.

Assisting with experiments and radio building had stopped for Gerard Pitts. Instead he was focusing more on his work now that Meeks was being less helpful. His parents would most likely kill him if he failed. Charlie was even wondering if he still wanted to go to Yale or if the death had changed that too. He had never been all that talkative. Now it was just even worse. Pittsie used to stand so tall and proud. Now however he was starting to slouch and not take pride in the advantage he had over all of the other boys his age. Even most of the teachers were not his height. Charlie secretly was not even sure there was someone else in the world his height. He knew he was being silly. They just needed more of that now than they did before.

The romantic had started to lose his persistence. Knox Overstreet had managed to snag himself Chris Noel as his girlfriend the night of the play. She had eventually left Chet to be with him. Now he was starting to lose her and did not even seem to care. To Charlie it seemed as if Chris had just turned into a distraction for him more than anything else. When he was upset over Neil or something else now he ran to her whenever he could. Otherwise there did not seem to be any spark between them anymore. The stress on their relationship was jamming a wedge between them and Charlie hated seeing his best friend lose something he had invested so much of his heart and soul in. Knox was not so wildly driven anymore and seemed to be thinking more before he acted. It both worried and upset him. Knox was no longer a hopeless romantic. He was just hopeless.

Charlie was well aware of the fact that he had also changed. He was trying to act like and be who he was before the tragedy fell upon them. The charade was much harder to keep up than he had originally intended. He still had his Nuwanda-esque moments but they were growing few and far between as the strain weighed upon his shoulders. The task of being the group's new leader had not been the one he wanted. No one could _ever_ replace Neil and they all knew that. He was just the strongest one. The one who was most eligible to pick up the shattered pieces and try to mend them back together. So far it was a slow process but he was getting there. His concern was focused solely at the moment on one person. That person happened to be none other than Todd Anderson. The roommate, best friend and companion of their fallen actor. Todd was broken and he wanted, no, needed to fix it and soon before he completely slipped through the cracks before his very own eyes.

With the realization that he had left Todd alone again he rose to his feet. Charlie brushed off the few leaves and pieces of grass that stuck to the back of his pants before beginning to walk back to his new dorm. Today marked the fourth month anniversary of Neil's death and he knew Todd would be having problems. Every time a new date rolled around he was practically unstable. With a sigh he shoved his hands into his pockets. He kept his eyes lowered on the ground as he walked. That way it was less likely someone would stop him. There was no way he could afford anymore time away. Not today at least. Not of all days. He remembered telling Todd of the news clearly. He even remembered more vividly the time Todd lost himself to his grief in the snow. His heart had swelled with pride when Todd gave the captain a grand goodbye. Unfortunately, now all he remembered was every time Todd went downhill a bit further. Each time he did it was less likely he was going to get the old Todd back. The one he craved to be with. As he entered the building and headed up the staircase the very first memory of finding Todd so utterly broken and helpless hit him with a sickening pain in his stomach. It twisted uncomfortably as the scene played out before him in his mind's eye.

_Snow had fallen again outside the walls of the hell they called school. It had been a week since Neil's suicide and five days since his burial. The ones who were not close to Neil had already worn out of their shock. They had started to go about their daily business as if nothing had changed. The faculty was still acting as if they were stepping on thin ice. Not all of the parents were thrilled with what had happened but Charlie could care less. All he cared about was Neil, the memory of him and the friends that were still standing by his side. He had gone for a walk with Knox around the frozen lake. The two had wanted to try and cleanse their mind if only for half an hour. It had worked until Charlie stepped into the second restroom on the third floor. He had wanted to remove all of the scattered snowflakes in his hair before heading to his dorm. However, he had walked in on something he hadn't been looking for. The sight before him startled him. Even during his apparent grieving Todd could be silent. Unsure if he should leave or not he cleared his throat. He wanted Todd to have his say in what was to be done._

_Todd was sitting in the corner of the restroom with his back against the wall. He was hugging his knees to his chest as tears streaked down his pale cheeks. As Charlie walked around the sinks to get a better look at him he froze and his eyes widened in horror. He was having problems tearing his gaze away from the blade of a razor that was currently lying beside Todd's feet. Without a word Charlie dropped to his knees beside the shy boy and began to look him over with panic reflecting in his eyes. He pulled him every which way to check his body for marks or trails of blood. Anything that would show him he needed to take him to the infirmary right away. When it dawned on him that he hadn't harmed himself he felt fury take over his body instead of worry. Charlie kicked the razor blade all the way to the other side of the room before slamming Todd against the wall firmly when he made a move to leave. Before he could stop himself he was yelling. He would not lose another friend. Especially not like this. Not when he could stop it._

"_What the hell do you think you're doing, Anderson?!" Charlie shouted. His voice echoed off the walls from the acoustics. _

_Todd cringed and sank down further into the floor. He would not look at Charlie no matter how hard his grip became._

"_I just fucking buried one friend! I carried his casket on my shoulder when I shouldn't have had to! I watched as they covered his casket with snow and dirt! I've had my heart torn to pieces from the barrel of a gun and I sure as hell won't be burying you because of a blade!" he continued._

_Apparently the words had been enough for the waterworks to start all over again. Charlie watched as he cried. His shoulders were shaking and his breathing was a wreck. Instead of pushing him off Todd clung to him like a small child. It completely threw Charlie off. Instead of shoving him away he wrapped his arms around him and held him in a hug. The tears continued and Charlie gently began to rub soothing circles on his back. Todd had finally cracked and was adding to the pieces that he needed to put back together again._

"_I-I'm sorry, Charlie!" Todd choked out._

_Charlie sighed and stared up at the ceiling as he tried not to lose it himself. "What were you thinking?" he asked._

"_I-I'm not sure if I was t-thinking at all!" he sobbed. "It had seemed like a good idea this morning. One cut that was deep enough could k-kill all the pain."_

_With an inward groan Charlie ground his teeth. "Maybe it would've killed your pain but it would've added to mine and the rest of the guys. Do you want that, Todd? Do you think we haven't had enough for right now?"_

_Todd shook his head and buried his face in Charlie's chest as he continued to cling to him. "I don't want that. T-That's why I stopped. Neil wouldn't want me to have d-done it and I didn't want to h-hurt you guys all over again." His sobbing grew worse._

_Charlie tightened his grip on him and gently rested his chin on the top of Todd's head. "The next time you feel overwhelmed, come to me. Okay? I don't want to walk in here and find you on the floor again. You got it?"_

_Todd nodded into his chest and breathed in shakily. "G-Got it, Nuwanda."_

_A small smile tugged at Charlie's lips from the nickname. It was nice to know some things never changed._

The memory disappeared as he found himself at the door of their dorm room. He didn't bother knocking since he now lived there as well. Charlie slowly opened the door and found Todd sitting on his bed with a book propped open on his lap. He walked inside, pulling the door shut quietly behind him. Charlie suddenly found himself beside the blue eyed boy and he looked down at the book. It was a copy of Shakespeare's play. The one Neil had performed in the night of his untimely death. A sigh escaped Charlie's lips as his gaze met Todd's.

"You're missing him a lot today, aren't you?" he asked.

Todd nodded and marked the page before setting the book aside. "I am."

"I figured."

"It was his favorite."

Charlie swallowed. He was not going to start crying in front of him. "I know."

The two sat there in silence as their minds carried them off to far away places. Charlie observed Todd as he got lost in whatever he was going after. He was pale again today and exhausted looking. He had been having nightmares again. The ones where he screamed and tore his bedding apart. The kind that Charlie had to wake him from without getting a black eye. He had lost some weight but not enough to where it was dangerous. There were two things that bothered him the most. Todd was writing less often now and his eyes were dull. Those gorgeous blue eyes of his now looked murky and boring. All of which Todd was not.

Determination began to well up inside of him. He wanted to see that spark again. He wanted to see that quiet fascination pooling within the aqua depths and know that he was alive. _Todd was alive, damn it._ It was about time he started to act like it. There was one sure way that he would get a reaction out of the boy sitting next to him. One action that would rile him up and snap him out of the daze he was continuously existing in. Charlie scooted over to him and gently yet firmly placed his hand on the back of Todd's neck. Todd's gaze met his and their eyes locked. If all went well he would succeed and at least make things somewhat better.

No words were exchanged and Charlie leaned in and kissed him. His lips were soft and still as they both adjusted to the situation. Then, very hesitantly Todd's lips began to move against his. His heart immediately began to beat faster as he kept the kiss going. A reaction was finally being received for something. This was going better than he expected. The two continued the kiss for awhile. As it went on the more passionate it got. It was deepened and rough. Gentle yet loving. The kiss was everything and so much more than either of them could describe. By the time Charlie pulled back he was breathless and almost certain that their lips would have matching bruises from how dominating it became. It was not like he cared. The fact that he marked him made a smirk tug at his mouth. People could wonder but they would never know the truth behind it. It could be their little secret.

Charlie's breathing regulated and he looked back into Todd's eyes. They were bright and full of question again. His heart skipped a bit and a grin surfaced on both of their faces. Charlie had managed to put together some of the pieces again. Nothing was completely fixed yet but it was definitely on the path to getting there. Todd was seemingly awake again. He was alive and distracted for the time being. As Todd leaned in for another kiss Charlie met him half way. While the two lost themselves in the kiss Charlie knew things were going to be getting better from there on out. Things would not have to be so tense anymore. It would not have to be as if they were barely breathing. They could fight together and things would be a little saner. All Charlie knew was Todd was not going anywhere and he could find peace in that information. Slowly, things were finding a way back to normalcy and Charlie was just fine with that. Today did not have to be the anniversary of Neil's death. Today was all about their beginning. As one life comes to an end another two find solace in each other's.


End file.
